Me and Facebook: June 2012

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Me and the Loony bin

It always amazes me how many gorgeous lesbians there are on Facebook. Of course when I say it amazes me, I mean it amazes me that anyone is stupid enough to believe they are actually the gorgeous bikini clad model they claim to be in their picture.

Without exception, all these “lesbians” are men. Men of all ages it seems. Men who have an obsession with lesbians and befriend other equally lonely and retarded men to indulge in cyber sex. Of course what they also fail to realise is that, being a man pretending to be a woman, they are having cyber sex with another man pretending to be a woman. So it’s really two men having sex with each other. That makes them gay. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing; I’m just pointing out the obvious.

So anyway, I get a lot of friend requests from these gays. They are always easy to spot. Apart from the obviousness of their profile picture, they usually only have the one, like lots of sex related pages on Facebook, have a small friends list made up exclusively by other gorgeous “lesbians” and they always start a conversation with the words “hey sexy”.

So when I got a friend request from someone called Ilona Hopwood (now going by the name of Loony Hopwood) it didn’t take long to realise that this was just another sad lonely man attempting to get off. He came straight in with sex talk. Women don’t do that; men do that. I pointed this out and he said “I’m all woman”. Of course you are dude!

Only this guy was a bit cleverer. He kept insisting he was a female and indeed a lesbian and offered to speak over the phone to confirm it. Very clever isn’t it? You see he was counting on me not phoning. I could have called his bluff and phoned but then I would be giving my number to a pervert. Sure I could withhold my number but then I’d still be phoning a pervert and who wants to phone a pervert?

Only he’s not that clever. You see what these sad and lonely men don’t realise is, because they are men (in a manner of speaking), they can’t ever know how a woman thinks and therefore can’t possibly know how a woman talks and acts. There are very subtle things that give this away. There are also some pretty obvious things like this Hopwood person who didn’t understand when I pointed out that, lesbian or not, I wouldn’t be doing anything for the next 5 or so days… any woman would know what I was driving at…

Also, he is obviously a bit stupid because you don’t have to look that hard at my profile to see the hundreds of photos of inbox messages where I rip retards to shreds. Looking a bit harder will also reveal that my sexual preference indicates I am straight. The relationship status also reveals that I have a boyfriend. Another thing that makes him extremely stupid is the fact that he recently sent my 13 year old sister a private message of a sexual nature. This suggests that he is not only a sad and lonely retard, he is also a paedophile.

So here is my take on this guy: He is a sad and lonely bloke of probably around his mid-twenties. He is slightly overweight and was, at the time, unemployed. His recent lack of communication during the day suggests he has probably just got himself a job. It won’t be a good job – probably packing boxes in a factory – but enough to pay the rent or pay his mum because there is a good chance he still lives at home. Single obviously and probably had very few meaningful relationships – if any. He was probably picked on by girls at school for his silly hair and being overweight and has consequently developed a sort of love/hate relationship with women.

Of course all of the above is just my personal experience based on 2 years of observing retards on Facebook. If you are interested to know how accurate my predictions are, his number is 07933 418590. I dare you to call him and prove me wrong!