Why is it everyone called "Mohammad", "Muhammad" or any other variation on the stupid name is a perverted twat face or terrorist?
Thursday, 4 December 2014
Friday, 28 November 2014
Me and the cricket tragedy
In no way a pervert but this one was just too funny not to share :-)
With a little help from my friends...
Monday, 3 November 2014
Thursday, 2 October 2014
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
Thursday, 31 July 2014
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Thursday, 12 June 2014
Me and the sandy face picture
Just to clarify, I refer to him as Bob because I think his name is too silly. He was OK with that. My friend Tara (who was also part of this 3-way inbox conversation - new idea!) calls him Murkin because his hair looks like pubes. He was OK with that as well.
Wednesday, 11 June 2014
Me and the author
Being something of an author myself, I am always keen to help other aspiring authors. I'm not sure this twat will get very far though.
Tuesday, 27 May 2014
Monday, 10 March 2014
Saturday, 8 March 2014
Friday, 21 February 2014
Me and the trial of Frank
As I mentioned in my last blog post, I've been on Facebook for over 3 years and have gained something of a reputation. There are those who like my quirky sense of humour, sarcasm and general weirdness. There are those who want to kill me. Then there are the Indians and Turks who want to spunk all over their keyboard attempting to have "cyber sex" with me when they get rejected by their goats. There are also those who appear to be so fascinated by me they literally stalk me and follow everything I do with scary anonymity. There are those who will try all sorts of tricks to get close to me, including setting up fake profiles.
A few months ago I got a friend request from someone called Francesca Owens. She seemed quite normal; she joined in with my weirdness and she exchanged witty banter with my other "Facebook friends" - a selective group of elite individuals affectionately know as Heatherists. She became an Official Heatherist herself and joined in the plans for world domination and the destruction of Justin Bieber with the rest of us.
However, I had my suspicions about "her" very early on, after she revealed that she was a lesbian. The female in her photos was moderately attractive and, I'm sorry, there are far too many attractive "lesbians" on Facebook. Nevertheless, she refrained from trying to lesbianise me and continued to be genuinely pleasant to chat to.
A few other things didn't smell right: The way she "spoke" in her typed conversation was distinctly masculine. I'm very perceptive and, being female myself, I know there are certain subtle differences in the way males and females communicate and generally act. She also made comments referencing things that made me think she was a lot older - mostly involving films and music that suggested she was born in the 80's. Now, I know I can't talk because I love old stuff like Monty Python, Red Dwarf and Bottom and I'm only 18 but the way she spoke about certain things sounded suspiciously first-hand. Still, she continued to be more than pleasant so I turned a blind eye because, let's face it, half of the people on Facebook are fake. It should be called Fakebook.
So roll on a couple of months and I'd had a couple of stints in Facebook prison for publicly outing some perverts and suggesting they might like to hang themselves. I had no reason to suspect anyone other than the victims had reported the posts but, for some reason, one of the many voices in my head told me it was this Francesca person. Perhaps it was the Force (that is a Star Wars reference from the 70's). Then one of my very close Facebook friends (who is so like me it's scary) got banned too. Although I missed what happened, apparently the evidence against Francesca was overwhelming. She was summarily ejected from the group and unfriended by all the Heatherists (because we stick together).
However, she continued to message me on and off and I attempted to uncover the truth. I look out for my friends and wanted to get to the bottom of it. After a bit of persuasion, she eventually came out and admitted she was actually a he. A guy called Ross who's 29. Whether that is true is still up for debate but I'm guessing it is. I'm also guessing he's never had a girlfriend. When I asked why he reported my friend, his response was "why not?" and went on to say something about tolerance working two ways.
I continued to exercise my legendary powers of psycho-analysis and enquired how bad his life was that he feels the need to pretend to be someone he's not, and whether he's perhaps a bit confused about his sexuality by pretending to be a girl. He tried turning it around (it's called evasion) by stating I don't know most of the "Heatherists" and they could be anybody. True, I don't and, yes, they could. In fact one of them is a caricature and he's fucking brilliant. We all share something in common: wit, humour and intelligence. That's why we get on. We all keep a certain level of anonymity and everyone respects each others' privacy and my personal "no phone number" policy is well known. We all live at opposite sides of the world so we'll never meet but we still brighten each others' days with amusing status updates and random comments, we exchange insane banter and they have all been nothing short of amazing in recent weeks while I've been going through some personal problems that have been hard to conceal on Facebook. That's what friends do, even ones you only know via Facebook.
They say imitation is the best form of flattery. The fact this guy created a profile that, looking at it now, appears to try and emulate what I - and the rest of the Heatherists - do says it all in my opinion. Call me pretentious if you like but I think it boils down to basic jealousy. This guy is envious of what I've inadvertently created. He is jealous of the close group of friends and followers. He couldn't emulate it so he instead tried to destroy it and all the people in it. He isn't the first and he won't be the last. You can't emulate greatness, and Heatherists are great and Heatherism will never die!
Say hello to Francesca: https://www.facebook.com/mary.christmas1992
A few months ago I got a friend request from someone called Francesca Owens. She seemed quite normal; she joined in with my weirdness and she exchanged witty banter with my other "Facebook friends" - a selective group of elite individuals affectionately know as Heatherists. She became an Official Heatherist herself and joined in the plans for world domination and the destruction of Justin Bieber with the rest of us.
However, I had my suspicions about "her" very early on, after she revealed that she was a lesbian. The female in her photos was moderately attractive and, I'm sorry, there are far too many attractive "lesbians" on Facebook. Nevertheless, she refrained from trying to lesbianise me and continued to be genuinely pleasant to chat to.
A few other things didn't smell right: The way she "spoke" in her typed conversation was distinctly masculine. I'm very perceptive and, being female myself, I know there are certain subtle differences in the way males and females communicate and generally act. She also made comments referencing things that made me think she was a lot older - mostly involving films and music that suggested she was born in the 80's. Now, I know I can't talk because I love old stuff like Monty Python, Red Dwarf and Bottom and I'm only 18 but the way she spoke about certain things sounded suspiciously first-hand. Still, she continued to be more than pleasant so I turned a blind eye because, let's face it, half of the people on Facebook are fake. It should be called Fakebook.
So roll on a couple of months and I'd had a couple of stints in Facebook prison for publicly outing some perverts and suggesting they might like to hang themselves. I had no reason to suspect anyone other than the victims had reported the posts but, for some reason, one of the many voices in my head told me it was this Francesca person. Perhaps it was the Force (that is a Star Wars reference from the 70's). Then one of my very close Facebook friends (who is so like me it's scary) got banned too. Although I missed what happened, apparently the evidence against Francesca was overwhelming. She was summarily ejected from the group and unfriended by all the Heatherists (because we stick together).
However, she continued to message me on and off and I attempted to uncover the truth. I look out for my friends and wanted to get to the bottom of it. After a bit of persuasion, she eventually came out and admitted she was actually a he. A guy called Ross who's 29. Whether that is true is still up for debate but I'm guessing it is. I'm also guessing he's never had a girlfriend. When I asked why he reported my friend, his response was "why not?" and went on to say something about tolerance working two ways.
I continued to exercise my legendary powers of psycho-analysis and enquired how bad his life was that he feels the need to pretend to be someone he's not, and whether he's perhaps a bit confused about his sexuality by pretending to be a girl. He tried turning it around (it's called evasion) by stating I don't know most of the "Heatherists" and they could be anybody. True, I don't and, yes, they could. In fact one of them is a caricature and he's fucking brilliant. We all share something in common: wit, humour and intelligence. That's why we get on. We all keep a certain level of anonymity and everyone respects each others' privacy and my personal "no phone number" policy is well known. We all live at opposite sides of the world so we'll never meet but we still brighten each others' days with amusing status updates and random comments, we exchange insane banter and they have all been nothing short of amazing in recent weeks while I've been going through some personal problems that have been hard to conceal on Facebook. That's what friends do, even ones you only know via Facebook.
They say imitation is the best form of flattery. The fact this guy created a profile that, looking at it now, appears to try and emulate what I - and the rest of the Heatherists - do says it all in my opinion. Call me pretentious if you like but I think it boils down to basic jealousy. This guy is envious of what I've inadvertently created. He is jealous of the close group of friends and followers. He couldn't emulate it so he instead tried to destroy it and all the people in it. He isn't the first and he won't be the last. You can't emulate greatness, and Heatherists are great and Heatherism will never die!
Say hello to Francesca: https://www.facebook.com/mary.christmas1992
Thursday, 13 February 2014
Me and the Facebook anniversary
Facebook celebrated its 10th birthday recently. One of the things they did was create a little app where members could create their own video montage highlighting their history on Facebook. I did mine and it was quite nostalgic. Some of my real life friends sent me private messages and posted on my restricted wall saying how fascinating it was seeing how much I'd grown up and changed over the years. In the 3 and a half years I've been using Facebook it has to be said that I've made something of a name for myself. My sarcastic humour combined with my naturally bubbly and often insane personality has attracted thousands of people from all over the world. The fact I have tits probably helps too.
I first shot to "fame" - for want of a better word - as a result of the inbox conversations found on this very blog. My quick-witted and sarcastic responses to perverts' advances made me something of an Internet celebrity. My insane and quirky status updates about nonsensical things also attracts a lot of attention, so much so that many people now conform to carrot theory, honour coconuts and stack objects on top of other objects. Heatherism seems to have become an actual religion too, which is just bizarre.
Anyway, over the years I've had literally hundreds of marriage proposals, invitations to see Indian men's penises and have been messaged by more fake lesbians than I can count. I've made a lot of enemies out of perverts and paedophiles because of my attitude towards them. I've upset so many illiterate people in those "add me" pages, Facebook has permanently banned me from posting in them. I've done several stints in "Facebook prison", I've had more than my fair share of death threats and I've also had stalkers; people who actually want to find me to either meet me, rape me, date me or kill me.
People have even gone to the trouble of making up several fake accounts to try and get close to me. There is a crazy Jewish guy who follows every move I make on Facebook (even though he's on a restricted profile) and insists on tweeting everybody on Twitter and telling them to follow me. It's insane!
I've also had people try to emulate me and try to be like me which, while quite flattering, is a little disturbing because I'm really nothing special; I'm just an insane girl enjoying life and trying not to get internet raped by Muslim men. These people don't really know me. I will never give out my mobile number, address or any personal information to people I don't know, regardless of how long we have been "Facebook friends".
Still, on the bright side, I have a number of real gems on my friends list. They know who they are and all I will say is Praise the holy carrot!
I first shot to "fame" - for want of a better word - as a result of the inbox conversations found on this very blog. My quick-witted and sarcastic responses to perverts' advances made me something of an Internet celebrity. My insane and quirky status updates about nonsensical things also attracts a lot of attention, so much so that many people now conform to carrot theory, honour coconuts and stack objects on top of other objects. Heatherism seems to have become an actual religion too, which is just bizarre.
Anyway, over the years I've had literally hundreds of marriage proposals, invitations to see Indian men's penises and have been messaged by more fake lesbians than I can count. I've made a lot of enemies out of perverts and paedophiles because of my attitude towards them. I've upset so many illiterate people in those "add me" pages, Facebook has permanently banned me from posting in them. I've done several stints in "Facebook prison", I've had more than my fair share of death threats and I've also had stalkers; people who actually want to find me to either meet me, rape me, date me or kill me.
People have even gone to the trouble of making up several fake accounts to try and get close to me. There is a crazy Jewish guy who follows every move I make on Facebook (even though he's on a restricted profile) and insists on tweeting everybody on Twitter and telling them to follow me. It's insane!
I've also had people try to emulate me and try to be like me which, while quite flattering, is a little disturbing because I'm really nothing special; I'm just an insane girl enjoying life and trying not to get internet raped by Muslim men. These people don't really know me. I will never give out my mobile number, address or any personal information to people I don't know, regardless of how long we have been "Facebook friends".
Still, on the bright side, I have a number of real gems on my friends list. They know who they are and all I will say is Praise the holy carrot!
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